Forwards and Backwards

I was in Portugal to visit my friends and to take some time alone aside from everything I know to process some late changes and clear things out. I always get excited to travel with aim to “rethink my life” and it always doesn’t work; the “big thinking” happens after coming back home, in the environment I wanted to escape originally.

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Sitting by the Atlantic ocean. Cascais, Portugal, 2017

It’s a kinda love/hate relationship with the place I call home. On one hand, I was looking forward to sleep in my own bed and have my privacy, to hug my boyfriend, to slip into my daily routine and streets and corners I know; on the other hand, I feared the explosion of work that got out of order due to my vacation (and I had to work a bit while in Portugal anyway), that I’d understand again everything I hear and read and the noise in my head would grow bigger, that with the daily routine I’d slip in my neurotic self as well that shows – inter alia – in my obssessive attitude to clothing and overconsuming behavior. And it all happened indeed, as soon as I left my house the very next morning after arrival.

During the past month I kept asking myself questions about some of the pillars of my life. Does it happen to you, too? As if somebody would suddenly snap in front of you, saying: “Done! Let’s move to another scene!” and you found yourself standing on the theatre ground, wondering what was real and what a fantasy.

Questions like: Is this the life I want? Does the person who types these words want to be who she is? Or is it all just “good enough”, made up by fear of unknown, of risking, of not believing? Of focusing on what could go wrong, assembling only the arguments against doing that, overlooking the positive ones.

Do I want to take things as they come or do I want to try a bit harder to see whether it is really that impossible I was always thinking?

If I wouldn’t choose the safe path and focused on writing, where could have I been right now?

Would I be confused, questioning everything I’ve done and went for? How would I feel? Who would I be today?

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I have neither answers to these questions, nor methods how to achieve them. Because I don’t know how. I won’t meditate or practice gratefulness and I’m sure I’m mindful enough in my life, thank you. The only thing I know is that I hate certain aspects of myself right now. I have no regrets for my past choices but it doesn’t mean I’d be content with their outcomes. It’s not me, those parts.

And you gotta start somehow, right?

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Lisbon, Portugal, 2017
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2 thoughts on “Forwards and Backwards

  1. We all end up ‘second guessing’ our decisions and paths we have taken from time to time. That is the nature of a thinker. I need to some times remind myself that ‘my life is not set in stone and I may be getting older, but I still have more ‘acts’ and ‘metamorphoses’ left in my body and mind, in this one life.’

    Now, I don’t know everything that is going on with you and I’m not going to pretend that I do. Here is a simple one – Try to do what you want to, as much as you can, within the constraints of your reality. During the process, don’t forget to be kind to yourself 🙂

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    1. SA., thank you so much for your support and kind words. Sometimes, I would be glad to change this thinker nature for something that is less about… thinking. 🙂 I will definitely try.

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